LEFT AXILLARY NODE BIOPSY:

Metastatic poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma typical of breast primary.

MICROSCOPIC DESCRIPTION:

Sections show the node is extensively replaced by high-grade malignant neoplasm typical of breast primary. The tumor is predominately composed of rounded islands which occasionally show central necrosis in a pattern mimicking ductal carcinoma in situ. In some areas there are smaller and more irregular islands.

To read I have "high grade malignant neoplasm" took my breath away. Wow. Wonder what neoplasm is? If it is malignant it probably can't be good.

We also read about the various types of drugs you can be given for Chemo, and their side effects. I had to laugh after reading the combinations they prescribe. Again, an example of God's sense of humor. If I have to have chemo there is a very good chance I will not only go bald, but I will get FAT -- water retention and bloating mostly, but FAT. The two things that would cause me the most distress and I could end up with both. Had to laugh. Told Michael he was the only one that was supposed to be bald and fat in the family. His response? Well, they say couples start looking alike after they have been married for a while. Ha Ha. When I start fitting into his pants I will have to get my stomach stapled.

Anyway, sure gave us a good laugh. We both feel better. Less afraid. Knowledge helps take away the fear. I feel as if I have once again failed God because I was immediately afraid instead of putting my faith in the Lord. Wonder how many times I will have to go through something like this to learn to have no fear? Easier said than done though.

Well, that was our deep discussion last night. About trusting in the Lord, about fear, about knowledge. About whatever happens, it is all in the Lord's hands.

We see the Oncologist this afternoon at 1:30. We will hopefully find out if I need a CAT scan...Dr Makin thinks I will, but he is not an oncologist. The cancer came from somewhere. The question is, was it left over from the mastectomy or did it come from somewhere else? It is breast cancer, so it started there. But where else has it gone? Hopefully nowhere, but the CAT scan will show us that, hopefully, unless it ended up in the liver or some other internal organ. Could be something...could be not much of anything.

Had my first visit with the oncologist. First of many, no doubt. I like Dr. Webb. He plays his cards close to his chest but he is also straightforward. No holds barred. I like that.

Dr. Webb reviewed the biopsies from the mastectomy as well as the recent lump removal. He found some things that he is following up with to get some answers. Dr. Bleicher indicated she suspected the DCIS had already become invasive but it does not appear they checked for that after the mastectomy was completed.

He is not sure how he wants to attack this enemy. He wants to know where it came from and where else it may be hiding. He said it is very unusual for someone to develop cancer in a lymph node AFTER a bilateral mastectomy has been done. This is the type of thing that would lead to the mastectomy. The question is, did the DCIS invade to the lymph node before the mastectomy or were cells left behind?

He said he would treat my cancer very aggressively. But he has to know what he is up against. Next week I go in for a bone scan, a CAT scan, a liver screening and various blood tests. If they find no other infected lymph nodes, he gives me a 70% chance of cure. If they find multiple nodes infected (say, up to four) the chance of cure goes down to 20%. He told us to be worried. We are.

Before we left he scheduled the appointments for me and gave me a list of the drugs he will be prescribing for chemo. I looked them up when we got home. Not very pleasant to look forward to. Hair loss is number one, nausea, vomiting, bloating, mouth sores. Oh boy. God certainly has a sense of humor about these things. I have always wanted to not be fat. Now I will be fat and bald. Guess that's one way to get over it.

The drugs are (if you are interested) Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol, and Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is actually part of a hormonal therapy, but still has some ugly side effects. The ones mentioned are the most common. There is also the possibility of heart and liver problems, numbness in hands and feet, headaches, bone pain and depression. Heck, I'm depressed just reading about this stuff.

My next appointment with Dr. Webb will be the August 23. He will have all the test results and will plan the attack at that time. Could be a long, hard battle. I would like to say I am not scared. That Michael and I are not scared. But we are. We are however, working on the fear. We are trying to learn as much as we can and will ask a lot of questions regarding things I can do to make the side effects less troublesome. Perhaps there is nothing I can do but just live through it all.